At any time, since a significant lass of time, I found myself in a unchanged circumstance: eating bon bons in my parents kitchen. And then today she brought me some, as everything was changed already. However what I thought was: it will ever change at all?
I have had problems related to eating disorders. I did not suffered bad from them, but I have learned what it feels like to count calories and being afraid of eating almost anything. It was years ago, and I (us, actually!) am happy on how I am right now. What helped me the most, I don’t want to talk about right now. I know it would be amazing writing about how physical exercises can help bad moods and eating disorder if you take it in the good way, and how it teach you how to love your self and your better version of YOU. But I am not here for this, I am here, years later I started this post, to think about those bon bons.
It was such as a sacred ritual; I always found my chocolate in the shelf even if I didn’t want to eat it, even if I don’t think anything about it (nor positive nor negative). I don’t know why, but I am really bond to that scenarios that went on on repeat for so long. I can’t explain you why I turned back on this post, but I wanted you to know about this, about how my hands always did that tiny mechanical movement to a treat I didn’t even want or desire. Why! I can’t explain myself why! I can’t even explain myself why I think it is so much important! The only think I can understand is: when I ate those things mechanically, I am sure I didn’t cause me pain. What caused me pain was my mental condition (read: eating disorder) that forced me to concentrate so much on what I eat, on that tiny tiny piece of dark chocolate that could not cause any problem at all from itself.
When I eat chocolate now (even a huge piece of that, in my best moments) I smile at those thoughts I once have. I search for chocolate in my mother shelf even now, but it is no more a problem to me. This was ever what I did, what I eat. The problem to fight was not in my dish (food is life, food was good most of the time for me!) but in my mind.
Even today I had to repeat those things to help me smile at my delicate gluttony. I want to be happy with myself and I don’t want to be happy only with the way I look, but also with my innocent desires and my way to be. That’s why!!!!