Fear of being

08/12/2016  

14:30

I’m hiding myself in my bedroom full of secrets once again, trying not to hear my parents screaming. This is not my place, that’s not the place where i want to be. I want to run away. Have they ever thought about us (me and my brother) when they argue? Do they ever think the consequences a child can bring inside him self when heating his parents shouting and arguing?

Me, as a grown up (only outside) child and as a little inside, do know in first person that little things like that can be really dangerous.

Two years ago I was in Depression’s and Anxiety (still with me today) claws, daily fulfilled by antidepressants and ansiolitics. I used to be CONVINCED that I was the cause of my parents’arguments. I was the problem in any situation, maybe they were arguing because my mom would had spent too many money on something but it was like if i used to hear my name, i imagined things and words coming out of their mouths.

Sometimes it still happens when I’m at school and some of my classmates are laughing. I think they’re laughing about me and i start asking myself what’s wrong with me. But I’m sure sometimes they do really laugh about me because I’m “different” since i wear different clothes, shoes, I like weird things, I read my books during lessons..

For the fear of people laughing and judging me for what I AM, I started hiding myself from them, I stopped talking with almost all of my classmates, i used to be afraid of answering a teacher’s question in front of them all because I might have given the wrong answer and they would have made fun of me (it happened when I was interrogared in philosophy and I started crying in front of everyone).  

After I dont even know how much time I was playing this ‘hiding myself’ game, i started noticing that I didn’t know who i was anymore.

I didn’t remember the things i liked doing, I didn’t know who I was anymore.

And maybe even my parents judging at my weird interests have influenced in this depersonalisation thing, if you can call it like that.

I tried to hide my self even from them.

 

If you don’t have “normal” interests, if you are not like everyone else, if you don’t wear what they wear, why do they have to judge/laugh at you? Will they ever put themselves in our shoes? I bet they don’t even care, they just laugh like they would do in a circus to some poor freaks.  

And now I don’t even know why I wrote about it, since I was talking about the relationship between parents and children and what might happen in their cute brains and hearts if they go through situation like these.

I want us to stop hiding ourselves, I want people to stop putting lines between ‘them’ and what’s different!

@chokingames  Caterina

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