“I eat all up. I eat all the joy up and then it will not become a part of myself, not at all. I eat all the things up in the next two minutes I get in touch with them so that they just turn to shit then. And I turn hungry again.”
I am hungry. I constantly am. As I start putting myself in a situation, I am doing that because I felt I was starving and I need to eat.
I am not a very sensitive person, but there are a lot of things to eat in the world. There are a lots of experiences, lots of books, movies, landscapes, classes, kinds of relationships, lots of people… The world is filled up with things that makes me stay in a constant state of starving.
So, that usually begins with me eating some things up, because I found myself capable of getting in touch with something only that way.
Trying to explain myself, I can write I start a thing not putting so much effort into it, or putting myself body and soul in the making of it: I just eat all up. I absorbe it all, I destroy it all and turn it all to shit in some weeks maximum. Places in which I live, experiences, practice courses… I eat all up.
I try to reflect on the paradox that says that if you eat something you become that thing. You have it in yourself, you have absorbed it all and it will be a part of you forever.
That’s not me. I do not eat all the sun in my life to become it myself, to become a ray of sunshine. It is not happening this way, ever.
All the things I eat turns to shit, that, in a kind of metaphor, explain how things just got me first, just right before I have finished with them because I have absorbed all that they can give to me and there is nothing more, even nothing to stay after I have done so.
That’s why I like to abandon places, experiences, people. Because they give to me something and then they could not do anything for me ever more. I like, I love abandon.
I am not here to stay. I am here to love, to live, to know you until I can really know your persona. I am not here to stay, I am even asking you the same if you can get it.
That’s all I love in abandonment.